Matter over Man

Matter over Man


A wise man once said "A man with an empty mind and many tools will cause an expensive disaster" A wise man didn't exactly say this.... but he should of!

The story starts here; a couple of SUNDAYS ago I got frustrated with my girlies 'water hammer.'

Now for you who don't know what 'water hammer' is here is a brief description.
Water hammer is when you turn tap on and your house's skeleton water piping rattles to the point it is just plain scary. How have I come to knowledge of water hammer? I watched a segment how some very clever Australian PLUMBER invented a device to cure this problem.

So with this in mind I saw the PROBLEM, I could name the PROBLEM and I knew of a device to fix the PROBLEM. An important fact here is to remember that I called the rattling of pipes a PROBLEM, not the girly.....

Now I realise I could end the story here as you can most likely guess the ending, but where would the fun be in that?

So after a particularly handy weekend (I also fixed the cat's scratching pole), I decided it was well within my best interests of ego building and CHEST pounding to go to the hardware store and purchase the device invented by the very clever Australian PLUMBER to fix the above named self proclaimed PROBLEM.

So off to the hardware store we went, after finding the elusive plumbing section (the girlie found it) I set to find the device (which the girlie found)....
Now that I saw it, I noticed immediately that this device would require a PLUMBER to install it. In most circumstances I would gladly pay to have it installed. Most circumstances being if it were my apartment I would have hired someone to install it as I am obviously to busy fixing the problem for others.

But no, before I had the chance to complete that thought, I, much against my male instinct I asked for some advice from the stores assistant. Describing the current situation in detail (whilst not trying to sound like someone who defiantly didn't know what he was talking about), I was directed to an ALTERNATIVE product. Great I thought. Not only is this product cheaper, but it also seems not to require a PLUMBER.I promptly bought the alternative product with a regained confidence that I will be able to install this device myself.......

After all how hard can it be?

So with product in hand I consumed a sausage on bread out the front of the hardware store, courtesy of a local school fund raising for a netball trip. The entire time smiling inwardly at the pure simplicity of how easy it was going to be to look like the Alpha Male by solving my girlies PROBLEM.

Back at the girlies place; I pulled out the tools I had brought over to fix the scratching pole and set about fixing the now not so seemingly easy PROBLEM.
The girlie asks, "Are you sure you know what you are doing?"
I say confidently "Yeah sure babe. Now where do you turn the water off?"
With the water off and shifter in hand, I had the tap apart in minutes ready to install the ALTERNATIVE product that the stores assistant through HIS HELP, had recommended.

I then installed the ALTERNATIVE product and asked the girlie to remain near the tap in case something went wrong.

Quick as a flash, nothing went wrong, no leaks, I thought to myself "No leaks that's a good start"

WRONG

I then turned on the tap, to my utter amazement no water came out, not even a drop. So I turn the tap on a little more…. water! I'm saved!

B U L L S H I T

No sooner as I'd started basking in my glory, the pipes began to rattle

I @$% $^ _)(* @$%^ $%^ @% CAN'T ^& @$%^& @$%^ BELIEVE $%^ @$% THIS ^$%^& !!!!

In all their defiant glory they rattled, worse yet they rattled more so as if to mock me and purposely deny me of my chest beating accomplishment.

Now to say panic hadn't entered my mind would be a lie

Calculating the cost of my error had begun. New tap bits times PLUMBER times SUNDAY equals I'm broke

"Don't worry babe" I said "This ALTERNATIVE part didn't work. I will just put the old bits back in"

Needless to say the look on the girlies face was plain to see......... the pressure was on. So rapidly I put the tap back together using only the old parts and asked that the water be restored once more.

Now no water was coming out at all, not a drip…. Nothing!

My brained searched for answers, rapidly. As I really didn't need a qualified PLUMBER to come in on a SUNDAY to beat his CHEST in front of me and make the task look EASY and make me look incompetent. .

By the time I had completed this thought the girlie said "What's that part on the floor? Is this meant to be in there?"

"Yesssssssss" I said

So once more, off went the tap. I disassembled the pipes again, put the bit that was meant to be there back in, re-assemble, turned the tap back on.... the water returned. The PROBLEM also returned, happy as can be, and shaking in Morse code "FUCK YOU".

Needless to say the girlie was relieved, her tap was working and that's all she wanted. I had restored to it's full rattling reliable glory.

Conclusion: Well this time I will divide my conclusion into one for GIRLS and one for BOYS
Boys
This story enforces the "don't ask for a store assistant for HIS HELP", as he will most likely set you in the wrong direction, with what he believes is a suitable ALTERNATIVE product. I would have been fine without HIS HELP. And we all know that sometimes girls don't know there is a PROBLEM until it is pointed out to them.

Girls:
Boys have the need to CHEST beat. If its a tap call a PLUMBER they will know exactly what the PROBLEM is and know exactly know what to do with their years of experience. And for god's sake, especially don't let your boy take on a tradies job on a SUNDAY, especially if they say it is EASY.

With that story in mind, its time for me to follow up on an idea i have had to save the world

Take care all